Now that I’m back and blogging far too regularly for most people to politely take an interest, I figured the best way to catch up and get back on the horse is to dedicate this article to 5 random things that have annoyed me in the last 10 months; I shall do so in a trendy countdown list! You won’t believe what some people are saying about number 4! Read now to find out!
5 – Greggs Breakfast Price Hike
One of my little joys in life is a tasty Greggsfast. A poorly made bacon and sausage bun with a free hot drink imported in directly from a muddy puddle somewhere in Ghana. For this delicious morning pick me up I would previously pay the paltry sum of £2 (and about 2 days off of my life expectancy).
Then sometime in 2017, some unrepentant ball bag in Gregg’s marketing department decided that casting a sausage roll as Jesus in a nativity wasn’t controversial enough (though that was fantastic); and decided to increase the price of their flagship breakfast by 25 pence!!!
Now you may be thinking, “Farrell you unbearably handsome tool, it’s 25 pence, you’re surely a wealthy upper middle class gent supplementing and already above average income with the income from this compelling publication”, and you’d be incredibly wrong; but yes, I can afford £2.25 a day for my breakfast. The problem I have with this 12.5% price rise is that I liked to treat myself to a Greggsfast whenever I had the change in my wallet, now I need to manufacture reasons to have more spare change in my wallet so I can get my morning bacon fix; and that’s just not kosher!
Also, if anyone happens to read this who has ever worked at a Gregg’s, why the fuck do you never give me butter on my rolls!
A typical conversation with a member of the Gregg’s mafia will go something like this:
Me: Can I have a bacon and sausage roll with butter and brown sauce and a latte please.
Butter Goblin 1: Bacon and sausage with brown sauce and a latte, is that all?
Me: And butter please, that’s all.
Butter Goblin 1: That will be £2.25.
Butter Goblin 1 to Butter Goblin 2: Bacon and sausage, brown sauce.
Me: And butter
Butter Goblin 1: Right
Quelle surprise, no fucking butter. I mean it’s butter not free diamonds, just butter me up sailor!
4 – Trades People
2017 was a pretty big year for me for many reasons. One of these being that I purchased my first home (there will be more on this in a future post i’m sure). This led to the unfortunate requirement of dealing with multiple trades people. To date I have had 5 electricians, 2 boiler engineers, 1 window fitter, 3 handy men, 4 carpet fitters, 2 decorators and 4 unsuccessful bathroom fitters. The one thing they all have in common? They can sense my ineptitude!
I try to give off a vibe of ‘I could do this myself, but I’m far too busy bench pressing my own weight’, but my baby soft skin and limp fish handshake give the game away.
The price ranges you can be quoted for the exact same task are breathtaking. I’ve found that there seems to be a correlation between how often I open my mouth during the initial quotation and the price; maybe some further research can be done into this.
3 – Flat Pack Furniture
Sensing a pattern here? Well try writing a blog that focuses on complaining then see if you have anything else to complain about after furnishing a new house!
As a man in my mid twenties with a bad back, no muscles and a distinct ineptitude for manual labour (back off ladies I’m taken), a day of setting up flat pack furniture is about as enjoyable as being anally penetrated by a cat penis dildo with super realistic lock in penile spines.
I can’t think of many things that upset me more than having to assemble a wardrobe. They always supply you with a little hook to attach to the wall to prevent it falling and crushing you. Unfortunately by the time i’ve finished putting it incorrectly together I eagerly await the sweet embrace of death.
The worst experience I had this go round was actually a desk where the instructions were entirely German. Having 11 different but incredibly similar pieces of wood named A to K and no English text just incredibly vague images felt like attempting to solve a Rubik’s cube by clenching it between my buttocks.
2 – Amazon Packaging
What a surprise, more things related to my house move! Yesterday I received two boxes from Amazon, each of these boxes was about half my height (3ft … the boxes, not my height) and about 15cm deep (ye I mix metric and imperial. What of it!) Inside box A there was a set of coat hooks. Inside box B, a roughly 30cm diameter folded tent.
Now I don’t know if Jeff Bezos is actively trying to destroy the planet, all I’m saying is it must have popped up on a few internal memo’s by now. I could have fit both items in one of the boxes about 5 times over, the quantity of grey packing paper was not only larger than the objects I purchased, but it weighed more too. How can that make fiscal sense? I would rather the products just show up unpackaged than having to hire a fucking removal van every time I go nuts and spend £150 or more on Amazon.
My working theory is that Jeff Bezos hates trees… Now hear me out, it sounds a little far fetched, but think it through! Amazon started out as a book store; books are made of paper, paper comes from tree’s!!! The word book has the same amount of letters as tree. The queen is a lizard and Avril Lavigne’s evil doppelgänger is responsible for 9/11.
1 – Lingering Salesmen
Admittedly this isn’t the most topical list of annoying things from my 10 months away from not blogging. No references to Brexit or gun laws or even an in-depth rant about nappy changing; it is however accurate. I know I am not alone in this one. Nothing will make me leave a store faster than being followed around a shop by a commission hungry salesman who takes even the slightest glance at a product as an open invitation to make fucking small talk.
If I designed shops it would be better for everyone. There would be an employee section styled out like a petting zoo where store employees could frolic and be merry whilst customers browse peacefully. If a customer actually wants help with something, they simply whistle or grab an employee by the ear and take them to the appropriate section. Once the customer is satisfied they can send the employee back to their pen with a rub of the tummy or a pat on the head. Sure it might sound undignified, but is it anymore undignified than trying to segway information about your personal life into the conversation whilst I show the vaguest interest in the new Google Home in an attempt to make a connection that might lead to a sale? I’m not so sure.
And there you have it folks, a return to normality. This post was a palate cleanser to ease us all back in. Tune in to tomorrows blog, ‘the problem with foreigners’ for a light hearted romp.