After a brief interlude of 10 months, I have returned to complain some more! (Please, hold the applause until the end).

I could blame my prolonged absence on the stresses of being a new father, or on how busy I have been at my job that actually pays me rather than writing this contrived bollocks that nobody actually reads; however the truth of the matter is, I started this blog as a way to vent and attempt to be humorous, over time I got so caught up with trying to get people to read it (see social-sharing-content-splooging ) that all I wanted to complain about was the blog itself.

Yesterday I saw an old video of Steve Jobs launching a marketing campaign for Apple where he was ‘bringing the company back to it’s core values’ (which apparently are ‘enabling great people to change the world for the better’… And not as I previously assumed ‘constantly seeking the breaking point of consumer stupidity.’ ) It made me think, why am I actually writing this blog, do I even have core values?

This led to a deep existential crisis. I travelled the oasis of my own mind and transcended what I am, in search of what I could be; in the end I came to the conclusion that I just want people to think I’m funny. Essentially I want to write an autobiography but can’t because I haven’t done anything noteworthy and not a single soul is interested in my view on Brexit or where I went on holiday when I was 18.

My personal belief is that all bloggers share this same selfish goal. Yesterday I was reading a programming blog post to help me with an issue I was having at work and rather than just stating ‘you want to learn how to do X.  Here is how to do X‘ the blogger began with a multi-paragraph introduction about a colleague of his named Tim who had been fantastic at doing X but got hit by a bus and now it was the blogger’s job to do X and oh jeez, he had just no idea how to do X! So he had to do a Rocky style montage in order to face his fears and become the best X doer in all the land…

People just can’t help themselves, the need for everything to be all about them is just too strong. So, here’s my Steve Jobs brand marketing moment.

*Places hand thoughtfully on chin*

… I’ve spoken to my people, we’ve assessed the competition and done some deep deep soul searching. In this messed up world with all of its strife and endless bad news; what are our core values as a blog. What do we stand for! What defines us.

*looks emotional*

We think we’ve come up with something quite special… I’ll be honest, when we settled on this, I was very moved. I hope you feel the same way.

*big reveal!*

Core Values:

  1. Posts must at least attempt cynical humour.
  2. Posts are allowed to be painfully self indulgent as I have now acknowledged how self indulgent they are making it ironic.
  3. Posts must not contain a headphone jack.

Essentially this was a long drawn out way to say I’m back, and I’m almost exactly the same as I was before but with slightly less features.

(PS. Here is the video in question, it’s actually pretty interesting – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dR-ZT8mhfJ4)