Today is the day before my wife’s birthday, so present wrapping day. I cannot stand wrapping gifts, my wife and her mother have it down to an art form. Any slight blemish is enough to rewrap or perhaps burn the entire gift. Me on the other hand, I wrap presents with all the precision of Michael J Fox in a bumper car.
The eve of my wife’s birthday also happens to be the night of the WWE Royal Rumble, and for anyone who does not care for wrestling (most of you) it’s the second biggest pay per view of the year and arguably the most entertaining. Combining both of these things I feel today’s entry is likely to be a short one.
I took advantage of my wife’s (I’m going to start referring to her by name, Rene, as constantly typing ‘my wife’s’ is a bit formal). I took advantage of Rene’s all day morning sickness as an opportunity to bust out the leftover christmas wrapping paper and duct tape up her birthday present; a Sony Handycam, which costs an awful lot of money for something we all have built into our smartphones in my opinion…
Rene loves photography, and with out little one only 6 weeks away she’s been wanting a real video recorder to capture everything from baby’s first blink to babies second blink. I am praying we don’t end up that kind of family; you know the one I mean. If you go to your Facebook page right now there will be an update from that kind of family, it will be a picture of their 2 year old staring gormlessly at the camera with some food on his chin. You’ll look at the picture and go ‘aww that’s cute, but it was cuter in yesterday’s photo of little Joey with food on his chin’.
I am all for recording precious memories, I mean given that I’m writing a blog everyday it would be pretty hypocritical for me to take issue with recording events. But where I draw the line is when you’re uploading a photo and can’t caption it because nothing in the photo is significant (ironically, it’s an issue I have naming blog posts often). I have a friend who yesterday uploaded a gallery with the photo titles ‘Matthew in pull ups 1 – 12’. Now this would have been fine if Matthew was 28 and passed out drunk, but he isn’t. He’s a baby, so wearing pull ups is not a noteworthy event. It certainly shouldn’t warrant an entire photoshoot. When Neil Armstrong spent 2.5 hours on the moon as the allocated photographer for humanity he averaged just under 1 photo per minute. With the advent of smartphones most mums seem to be able to take more photo’s of baby’s first poop than Armstrong managed to take of one of mankind’s most defining moments.
Maybe I’m being a bit harsh on mums, I mean it does just seem to be a general epidemic amongst the entire population; selfie syndrome I believe is the appropriate diagnosis. People just cannot stop photographing absolutely nothing! The reason I highlight mums as particularly bad offenders is because it’s less socially acceptable to get annoyed at a photo of a small child. If a coworker sidled up to me in the break room and offered to show me their duck face selfies from last night, I would have no qualms telling them in no uncertain terms to go and fuck themselves with a rusty screwdriver. However if a new mum traps you in the anxiety inducing bear trap of small talk and starts brandishing photo after photo of baby Joe’s first smile with the gusto of a detective thrusting graphic images of tortured women into the face of a squeamish accomplice. Suddenly it’s a punishable offence to suggest she take her phone and insert it up into baby Joe’s first apartment.
Anyways that’s all you get today, I could bitch and moan about social media and selfies until the cows come home, but I need to go watch 30 men in small shorts attempt to throw each other out of a ring whilst pretending my erection is ‘ironic’.
Oh also, just finished my wrapping. Knocked that shit out of the park, best present I’ve ever wrapped, though it was only about 20 cm and a perfect square so I probably shouldn’t feel too proud.