I was certain today’s blog post would be about my trip to Birmingham last night to watch a not so well known punk cover band ‘Me First and The Gimme Gimme’s’ and although I probably will end up writing about this at some point, I need to first work out a way to do so without being entirely self absorbed and assuming anyone other than me gives a shit about how my Friday night went.

Instead I’m going to write about something vaguely topical for a change:

‘Witches including Lana Del Rey will gather at midnight to cast a spell on President Trump AND his supporters in hopes of banishing him from office’

I’m just glad there’s nothing absurd going on in the news to remove focus from all of the monolithic issues in play right now… Oh wait, witches are coming for Trump. How can Trump wage a war on fake news when that is the real news! How do we live in a world where this isn’t immediately met with widespread ridicule? I mean obviously people are mocking it, but a great deal of people are actually supporting this farce.

‘Witches will protest President Donald Trump on Friday at midnight by casting a spell under the crescent moon’

People wonder how China is catching up with America as the world’s largest superpower. You know what they were doing at midnight in China on Friday night? They were making your iPad’s and trying not to become the victims of human rights atrocities. Also, what qualifies Lana Del Rey to be the figurehead of a witchcraft rally? What spell is she going to cast on Trump other than maybe making his penis taste like Pepsi Cola (I hope that reference isn’t lost on anyone, because i’d just sound insane).  

You may be kicking yourself for missing this once in a lifetime opportunity to cast a spell on the POTUS, but don’t worry, I have a list of all the ingredients you need right here:

  • An unflattering photo of Trump (so any photo of Trump).
  • A tiny orange candle (I assume to symbolise his orangeness and tiny hands).
  • A tower tarot card (for Trump tower DUH!)
  • Bowls of water and salt.
  • A pin.
  • A feather
  • An ashtray full of sand
  • A bin bag big enough to fit it all in.
  • The ability to suspend one’s ability to think rationally.
  • A learning disorder (ideal but not essential).

Now this may be just me being stupid… But if you genuinely have the power to bend reality to your will with magic, would it not make more sense to use that to make Trump a GOOD president, rather than use it to ensure he ‘fails utterly’. I mean, he is your president after all? Him failing utterly is not going to benefit anyone…

I’m not being funny, but if you wanted to convince me that magic works then maybe cast a spell with a slightly loftier goal. Maybe bid the sun to set and rise on a 24 hourly schedule? Casting a spell to make Trump utterly fail has a hint of Derek Acurah telling a room full of old ladies that he’s picking up the spirit of a deceased husband.

‘I’m sensing a… I feel the presence of a Jerry, possibly gerald or Gregg… It might be Mitchell’

‘My late husband was called Mike?’

‘That’s it love, it’s definitely Mike. He says he misses you and that if you want to keep in contact with him you should get a subscription for just £19.99 a month to our other worldly web chat where one of our well trained spiritual mediums can contact your husband for you from the spiritual hub of New Delhi.’

Back to the absurdity of reality. If it wasn’t enough that social media networks like Facebook and the ‘I identify as a jellyfish’ Tumblr are getting behind this 100%, then what’s really interesting is the opposition. The Christian Nationalist Alliance has declared days of prayer in opposition of all this hoodoo voodoo nonsense (I may have paraphrased slightly). So just to clarify… A group of witches will be cursing Trump whilst being spiritually opposed by the Christian’s in a ‘pray off’… It’s like the Democrats and Republicans have just let their mascots loose at half time to fight it out.

I can’t be the only person wondering when real life became an episode of Southpark can I? All I can picture is an army of witches and magicians marching against an army of praying monks in a LOTR esque battle, I just can’t work out which ones would be the orcs…

After giving it a bit more thought, maybe witchcraft is the way to go with Trump. Normal political weapons such as facts and mass opinion don’t seem to have much impact. Maybe someone should just hit him with an ‘Avada Kedavra’ and be done with it. By the way, while we mangle the walls between reality and fiction, if Trump ever casts ‘Expecto Patronum’ I place a bet that a ghostly image of his own smug face squirts out of his wand looking like a ghost from mario that enjoys the smell of its own farts.

 

‘It is important that while blowing out the person is ‘visualizing Trump blowing apart into dust or ash.’

Coincidentally, this is what I picture when trying not to ‘blow out’