Wednesday has rolled around as it seems to do on an almost weekly basis and with it comes my second thrilling antenatal class! Nothing quite like getting a day off work and spending that day in a children’s play group surrounded by bored men and worried pregnant women all sitting in chairs made for bums significantly smaller than that of a human adult.

The good news is I am currently writing this on my Macbook in bed with music on at 12:40 in the afternoon. The beauty of this blog is that once I write my daily article the feeling that I am not doing anything with my life dissipates for a full 24 hours. It’s like a drug, I write about some random shit nobody cares about to a rapidly diminishing audience of now ex-friends who have long since lost the will to offer the validation I sorely need. I post it on a site thats hosting costs me more than I will ever get back from the endeavour and ‘Voila!’ All guilt about not being a productive citizen doing something with my life fades away faster than a shooting up heroin addict forgets the after taste of old man semen.

As a side note before I go onto the main topic of discussion for this particular blog post. Last night was valentine’s day, as some of you may remember I had plans to attempt a chicken and vegetable risotto which I had never attempted before. Smashed it! It was delicious and romantic even if I do say so myself! Though pro tip, if you want to add broccoli to a risotto soften it up first (little bit of a professional chef punchline there, if you didn’t find it amusing it’s just because you’re not a good enough cook… Jog on).

So onto today’s topic. What are we discussing today? (Well, i’m writing, you’re reading, it’s about as much of a discussion as a million signature petition to the UK government  HEEYOOO!) Today we shall be discussing money! A particularly broad subject, I will be talking about my rigorous budgeting and why I’m better than most of you, except for those of you who who are better than me.

On the recommendation of my mother in law I signed up for a free experian credit check the other day and as it turns out I have a credit score of 999 out of 999. I felt nipple rubbingly smug. There’s no better feeling than walking down the street and judging people for being inferior to you in almost every way. I walk past two universities on the way to work, my credit score could tie their credit scores to the radiator and violate them tirelessly until they begged for death. When I spoke to a colleague at work however his genuine response to me humble bragging about how surprised I was about having a perfect credit score was ‘it must be a bug in the system’. There was no mocking tone or sense of humour at play, the response of a seasoned veteran developer to hearing that I had a perfect credit score was that it is more likely that a world renowned credit rating company had made a mistake.

To be fair I was equally surprised, I am not rich by any definition of the word, I don’t use my credit card very often at all and the only loan i’ve ever had was a student loan. That being said where I can boast is that I have never made a late payment or paid interest on anything. I will only purchase on a buy now pay later if I am 100% sure I can pay it off before any interest starts to kick in. I’ve never understood the mentality of ‘have now and make my future self pay for it’. Without fail anything I have ever purchased on credit, by the time I get round to paying it, I no longer think it was worth the money… and that’s without any interest on top.

As I am clearly a money guru with the financial acumen of a well disciplined banking monk I thought I would take this opportunity to enlighten you all with some pro tips to help you spend more wisely:

  • If you can’t afford to buy something now, but will be able to pay it off in full before the interest kicks in (assuming the product or service has an interest free period) then treat yourself.
  • If you can’t afford to buy something now and it has no interest free period. Don’t fucking buy it.
  • If you can’t afford to buy something now and it has no interest free period… But it’s heavily discounted. Don’t fucking buy it!

All joking aside, I’m obviously not a financial expert, I don’t know the first thing about accounting and my idea of living frugally through university was only eating noodles and 2p tins of mushy peas from Aldi (I lost a lot of weight). If you want genuine free financial help I would heartily recommend /r/personalfinance on Reddit. It’s full of the kinds of people who use coupons and don’t upgrade their train tickets to first class on the way to the job centre.

The people I cannot and will never understand are wealthy people with good jobs who manage to ramp up so many high interest loans and credit cards that they have to suck dicks behind a KFC drive through wearing a bib so they don’t get jizz on their Hugo Boss suit jacket (two references to felatio for money in one blog post… I may have some issues to work through). Seriously, how hard is it to stay middle class when you get there. Just shop in Waitrose, holiday in Southern France and drive a car that looks like a car that rich people would drive but is made by a slightly inferior brand. Those are the do’s, the don’ts are equally straightforward. Don’t take out a credit card to pay off a credit card, don’t holiday in Southern France if debt collectors are threatening to remove your knee caps and don’t buy a new rich people’s car on credit just because baby Fenston spilt his vegan soya latte on the back seat of your other one.