If you’ve read anything I’ve written so far, you’ll know it’s pretty self serving. I made the mistake last night of reading a few articles on ‘how to improve your blogging’ and ‘writing for an audience’ basically, I’m writing the worst blog ever written. If Wayne Rooney started a blog where he just uploaded pictures of every goal he’d scored as crayon drawings it would meet more blogging criteria than mine does (though to be fair, I’d follow the shit out of that blog).

Blogging Tip 1 – Don’t write about yourself, less ‘I, My, Me’ more ‘You, We, They’. People don’t know you and don’t come to your blog to hear about your day.

Shit…

Word count for ‘Me’ – 67 / ‘My’ – 194 / I – 444. Total = 705

Word count for ‘You’ – 140 / ‘We’ – 47 / ‘they’ – 45. Total = 232

It’s not looking good. Maybe I’ll just do a find and replace see if that fixes it. I honestly wouldn’t know what to write about if I wasn’t writing about myself. Literally every topic is done to death, at least I’m fairly sure there is nobody else out there writing about me, even if the reason for that is because I’m an incredibly dull individual.

Blogging Tip 2 – Get your ideas from your audience.

Technically the only person to read this blog so far is me, and I am listening to a lot of my own ideas, so it could be argued that I’ve got this one down to a t. It could also be argued that I’m talking shit, I’ll err on the side of caution with this one.

Blogging Tip 3 – Love your existing users.

I’m my only user and I’m a total ballbag.

Blogging Tip 4 – Pick a specialist subject that you can contribute too.

I understand the point of this one. My blog is probably only going to attract the mentally ill and sadomasochistic grammar nazi’s (oh God there should be a comma there! Oh I deserve this!!!). Most people who are reading blogs are looking for advice, news or inspiration on something be it: personal finance, DIY, corpse disposal, etc etc.

I do think some people take it to the extremes though, one of the comments on the blog tips post I was reading was from a guy whose username was ‘orangefloraldecorationsforcakes’ now maybe I’m way off base here, but I’d struggle to write a paragraph on the subject of orange floral decorations for cakes, I would be quite surprised if someone could generate an entire blogs worth of content on the subject… Maybe he can! Maybe he is the world’s leading expert on orange floral decorations for cakes, but surely specialising that deeply limits your target audience… I mean, just pull it back one adjective, ‘floraldecorationsforcakes’ is specialised enough!

Blogging Tip 5 – Give Stuff Away

Well you can all fuck right off. I’m not giving you shit. All you’ll get from me is disappointment. Besides, I actually disagree with this. Surely nobody actually reads blogs because they give stuff away do they? Maybe I’m cynical (of course I am) but have you ever met anyone that has ever won anything even remotely interesting? No, nobody has! It’s all a giant conspiracy. People don’t give things away, they just want you to think they do!

And if you don’t believe me, why not sign up for updates from my blog and leave a comment for your chance to win a 5 night holiday in Peru!

There were plenty more blog tips that painfully didn’t apply to me, but I thought 5 would be enough to highlight my point. And that point is simple. This blog is going to be the most active blog with no audience ever written!

I’m almost at the one month mark and I’m genuinely enjoying writing these daily posts, which for me is completely new. All previous attempts at any kind of hobby have felt forced and awkward, like after sex pillow talk with your uncle… Yes, specifically your uncle, me and him go way back. He’s one hell of a lover, but his small talk leaves much to be desired.

My plan to make at least one journal rant a day is still going strong and the blog itself is starting to look like something that wasn’t made by the spilling of a tin of alphabetti spaghetti HTML edition. If there is anyone other than me or my family reading this then feel free to share it on whatever medium you’d like, Facebook, Twitter, Grindr. Whatever you’re into, I think it would be cool to see how real people actually react to this shit. It’s been awhile since I was overwhelmed by unrepentant hate.