Yes this blog does still exist, I was surprised too. I could blame a few things for my inability to scribble out 700 words of incoherent nonsense once a week, I could lay the blame at the tiny feet of my newborn daughter who is convinced that 4 and 6 in the morning are the best times to investigate how well the sound of crying carries through a silent house. I could blame my recent re-subscription to the popular life eating MMORPG World Of Warcraft. I could even passably blame my work with our product rushing ill-fatedly to market like a game of supermarket sweep in an active minefield.

The truth of the matter is, although all of these factors have contributed to a reduction in my pollution of the internet, the main cause has been the art of blogging itself.

When I started blogging I convinced myself I would be writing this for me, for fun and any traction that came from that would just be a bonus. I convinced myself in the same way a criminally deranged psycho on CSI would be convinced he was fine whilst spoon feeding his grandma’s skeleton and explaining that she’s usually not such a fussy eater.

I was never writing just for me, I always wanted the compliments and the shares, I spent more time watching Google Analytics results than I spent watching pornography and that’s just not natural. After getting a few compliments from friends and family on the quality of my blog posts I began to seek a wider audience, I started using blogging subreddit’s on Reddit to seek advice and jizz links to my posts at anyone who would give me the time of day.

The problem is, everyone on those subreddit’s is doing the exact same thing, it’s a giant circle jerk of ‘like for like’, ‘share for share’ e-peen stroking that sucks you in harder than a Dyson DC41Mk2 with self-adjusting seals and an instant release high reach wand! (I’m thinking of trying my hand at affiliate marketing).

There seem to be more bloggers blogging about how to blog than any other subject which is just fucking ludicrous! I read a few, most just regurgitate the same bollocks about monetising and sharing your content. One common phrase I came across repeatedly when reading this utter shash was:

‘you should spend at least double the time it takes to write your blog posts, sharing those blog posts. Why write it if nobody see’s it?’

Now on the face of it, this seems like good advice. Organic traffic is hard to come by in the blogging world, people are unlikely to be Googling for ‘Content Splooging’ and if they are I guarantee this isn’t what they’re looking for. Where this falls apart for me is I that I started writing this blog because I wanted to complain about things in a humorous way. I didn’t start this blog to take on an additional unpaid full time job as a digital marketing specialist. Mainly because being an unpaid digital marketing specialist would be a custom circle of hell in my own personal version of Dante’s Inferno, squished neatly between living with Liberal Democrats and taking 8 cocks at the same time.

After joining Facebook groups, setting up Tumblr accounts, learning what StumbleUpon is and why it is aids. I have come to the conclusion that anyone who actually manages to find the time to publicise their blog is either full on autistic to a rain-man level or has no job or other activities in their life, social or otherwise… Which would explain the abundance of ‘mother blogs’ and fashion garbage.

You may think those are some sweeping statements, but here is the list of different shit I have put together that is recommended for really ‘getting your content out there‘:

  • Share your blog post on your personal Facebook Page (if appropriate)
  • Have a Facebook page dedicated to your blog, ensure all Facebook pages are shared here.
  • Share your blog posts on applicable Reddit subreddit’s.
  • Tweet your blog post and make sure you use relevant hashtags.
  • If your blog is professional, make sure you share a link on LinkedIn.
  • Add your blog posts to StumbleUpon.
  • Pin your blog posts on your Pinterest Page.
  • Add your blog post to a Google+ collection and share it from your brand Google+ page.
  • If your blog posts contain more images than text (which let’s face it, they probably do) make sure you share it on Instagram.
  • Do you have a ‘Medium’ account? If so re-share all of your blog content here with a link back to the source.
  • Tumblr is a great place to share your content if it is in someway linked to you being transgender or pertains to a crossover between Doctor Who and Harry Potter where Severus Snape ends up with a Sonic Screwdriver in his rectum.
  • Once you’ve shared your post on Facebook be sure to share it from there onto multiple blog related Facebook pages.
  • If you still have any time left after all of this, why not go for a run in traffic or throw yourself down a flight of stairs?

I’m fairly sure there’s more social networks that i’ve missed but you get the idea…

To be honest, if that was everything I could live with it. It’s a ball ache but a lot of that can (and should) be automated. The problem is all of these individual social networks have desires above being platforms for you to shovel your self indulgent shit on unsuspecting users. So if you go ahead and do everything I have suggested above, you’ll probably still end up with traffic figures comprised of a few family members, some friends and a few Russians who were Googling for Granny Porn and got lost (genuinely the case with one of my posts).

The only way to win at this game is to be genuinely active on every single social network… And fuck that for a game of soldiers! I find it awkward just posting a link to this article on my own Facebook page. Yet in order to be successful in this industry I’m expected to comment on other peoples shit, share content with less substance than a radio talk show and spend what little free time I have pretending I give the slightest shit about anyone other than myself.

Fuck it, I’ll write what I want, about whatever topics I feel like and I’ll settle for whatever traffic I might get from people who accidentally show up here looking for some weird porn fetish… Speaking of which

BBW takes on a horse

That should be worth a few views.