It occurred to me last night, that although I had written a previous blog post about the things that make me enter a seething rage. I have yet to cover the much more common ‘things that make me mildly irritated’.
Despite the title of the overall blog, I am not always full of anger and fury. I would actually like to think of myself as quite mild mannered (you can disagree, but don’t blame me if your car gets petrol bombed). There are certain triggers, like slow walkers or anyone clearing their throat that can really get my teeth grinding, but most things are just mildly annoying. Without further ado, here are a few of those things:
Mildly Annoying Shit
Number 1 – Twitter
I have managed to avoid the Twattersphere for many years, but I have recently had to sign up in an attempt to improve the readership of my blog from me and you, to me, you and some hipster in Starbucks drinking a venti, half-whole milk, one quarter 1%, no foam latte, with whip, 2 packets of splenda, 1 sugar in the raw, a touch of vanilla syrup and 3 short sprinkles of cinnamon. If you are said hipster you can Fuck off!
My problem with Twatter (so witty) is by definition you cannot do anything worthwhile with it. You limit people down to 150 characters (I think they may have removed that limit now, but fuck off, that ruins my gripe), encouraging poor sentence structure and retarded abbrev’s. It has aided in creating a generation of utter nob ends who cannot keep a single thought inside their head. If their brain were a prison, Twitter was the key and it’s letting everything out!
‘Like gys, jst hd the bst thought, Twttr is totes lke a prsn brk 3’ing r cre8ivenss frm r opresve brains! #sodeep #bst-thoughts #meat-is-murder #not-my-president #plz-kill-me’
Number 2 – Websites with auto playing videos
Now i’m not a big sports fan. I have a football team I support, though I never watch them and I enjoy WWE that’s about it… But one website immediately springs to mind and that’s ‘GiveMeSport’… In order to double check the name I simply had to open Facebook, and scroll for less than 30 seconds until I stumbled upon one of their posts. They’re everywhere! And their site is somehow worse than traditional clickbait trash because the pricks included not just one, but two copies of the same autoplaying video!
I mean really, what is the fucking point, the video is usually not even relevant to the article you’re reading, just some other news story they’re trying to sell. I keep clicking their links by mistake because I’m a dirty whore for a clickbait title. Every time I do I have to close the page immediately and give myself 10 thrashings with the cane (maybe it’s not an accident after all…)
Number 3 – Battery life
I know what you’re thinking, autoplaying videos and battery life in one article, this is some cutting edge satire, is anyone safe? Simply stfu, why don’t you go write down the things that mildly irritate you and then i can add your inability to write cohesively to the list. Sick writers burn there bruuuh!
I am somewhat of a gadget nerd, between my birthday and Christmas last year I receive the Amazon Echo, Steam Controller, Steam Link, Samsung Gear 2… Etc etc, I like devices that allow me to procrastinate easier. If it has the potential for reducing my productivity, i’m all in. Next week I’m getting dramatic surgery to replace my hands with hooks! I have had to purchase a separate multi usb charger for me and Rene as we have so much shit that needs charging every night that all the normal extension leads plugged into extension leads plugged into even more extension leads don’t provide enough juice for our small army of useless devices.
And as these devices get smarter and capable of more inane shit the battery life just goes further and further down. Leaving the house now feels like a task out of Mission Impossible, ‘if you’re not back in 18 minutes your navigation is going to die!’
I think we all need to take a stand and say enough is enough, unplug all your useless junk and stop being controlled by technology! Bye bye Alexa you crazy eavesdropping bitch, unlucky tablets, I guess I’ll have to watch Netflix on a normal sized screen. Cya next lifetime Grandad it’s plug pulling time…
I jest of course, I need my devices, I just wish some effort could be put into increasing battery life instead of giving us a slightly crisper screen and the ability to take photos from 11 different cameras at once.
Seems I got a little carried away with battery life. It does mildly annoy me though. I was going to do a list of 5 today and then another 5 tomorrow, but I guess you only get 3! Unlucky, i’m sure you’re all furious at being kept in the dark. I know what the next two are, but you’ll have to come back tomorrow to find out!
‘AND CUT! Nice job Farrell, you really pulled a rabbit out of the hat on this one’.
‘Thanks, I can’t believe I managed half a page on battery life before 9 in the morning. Fuck me we really need to get some better ideas going. Who in their right mind is going to want to read about a guy who is slightly annoyed by a sports website that plays videos when you arrive? Are we intentionally insulting the few people that actually tune in to this utter garbage?’
‘Hey what can I say, we’ve got the team working on it, maybe you could reconsider writing top 10 spring fashion statements? … Put the gun down, it was just a suggestion… Please I have kids!’