I actually posted a link to my blog to the outside world yesterday… And people actually seemed to read a bit of it! I’ve been walking around all day today like I’m on that show undercover boss and nobody realises how important I am. Looks like I will hit that ‘millionaire by 30’ goal after all!
One friend (because it hasn’t gotten to the point where viewers aren’t just pity clicks from friends and family quite yet) asked me how long it would be until I run out of anecdotes given that I live possibly the most tedious existence of anyone he’s ever met… (Ye I have great friends). It’s a fair point, I have to come up with 365 different topics to discuss if I want to hit my target of a blog a day for a year. I would argue however, that people have way more anecdotes than they realise. I won’t run out of things to write about because weird shit is going to keep happening. I’m fairly sure weird shit happens to everyone on a daily basis, you just drown it out with the rest of the unimportant facts.
Today for instance, on the walk home I was startled by random car horns on no less than 8 separate occasions. Now I get it, that is hardly a riveting anecdote on it’s own. The only people who would consider that sentence an interesting story are the same people whose favourite Match of The Day pundit is Michael Owen.
I mentioned briefly at the end of last nights blog that I had just been to see Stewart Lee’s new show (I don’t get paid for mentioning him unfortunately). At one point in the show he manages to squeeze 15 minutes of material out of having never seen an episode of Game of Thrones. 15 minutes! Admittedly it’s obnoxiously repetitive, but that was done for additional comic effect. The point is that anything, no matter how mundane it may seem can make for the content of a blog post… Especially if you don’t care if it’s enjoyable to read.
So, on the way home from work I was startled by car horns on no less than 8 occasions! This is why I don’t want to learn to drive. Think back and remember the last time you actively shouted at another pedestrian (this doesn’t include Mr Bald Rage for obvious reasons). When you’re in a car you feel as if it is your natural born right to be a completely obnoxious cunt to other motorists for little to no reason… You simply just wouldn’t behave like that if you weren’t travelling very fast in your own low tech ironman suit.
When an old person is hobbling along in front of you and manages to take up the entire pavement (which they always do, it’s a gift) you might get frustrated… Personally my ire (fuck off auto correct, I didn’t mean fire) burns with the rage of a thousand suns. Yet I have never whipped out a fog horn blasted the flat cap off grandad’s head and then leant over and shouted “Get out of the fucking street you cancerous old fuck”. So why is it ok to do that whilst driving?
I had a guy beep at me the other day for crossing the road when he was speeding along like a complete twat. So fuck him, I just started walking along in front of him in the road, if he tried to overtake i’d sidestep in front… We’ll see which one of us wins the ‘I’m a cunt’ game, i’ve been practicing for 26 years. He was livid, kept flashing his lights at me. In the end he thought he’d be a big man and pull over to try and have it out with me. I said to him.
“Look, I don’t care if you’re in a hurry, I want to get home too, you don’t have to be a cunt about it officer”.
Boom, that’s a proper joke right there, knocked that one out of the park. You won’t see another one of those in the next 300 blog posts. Cherish it, maybe go read it again, like an air bubble in an underwater level of Tomb Raider, remember where it is, you might need to come back to it before attempting to get through the next level.
I know what you’re thinking, that’s some David Blaine shit right there, one minute I had an empty hat and the next minute BOOM a rabbit. See I was playing with the assumption that the driver who beeped his horn was in the wrong, and that I was standing up for myself by blocking him from passing, then I pulled down the curtain to reveal that in all actuality the driver was a police officer and that I was obstructing him from attending an important police duties. So really I was the arsehole. It just works on so many levels… Well one level, it’s quite a simple joke really, it’s actually not that funny…
I’ll leave you with something that is funny however, the story in the news today about the young tory boy who has put his Cambridge education at risk by burning a £20 note to mock a homeless man. That’s funny… the fact that he may lose his education, not the whole mocking homeless thing, I’m apathetic about that.
I think the most startling fact about that news story is that the head communications officer of the young tory’s carries £20 notes. If that doesn’t show that the recession is hitting everyone hard then I don’t know what will!