Good morning people. I’ve just arrived at the office after a nice morning walk in the rain and already have an anecdote to share! Good stuff. So, I stopped at some traffic lights about 15 minutes away from my office and there was a girl standing next to me, she was very pretty. A bit too ‘Barbie’ for my taste, but attractive by all definitions of the word. As I’m waiting for the lights to change, a guy with the swagger of a rock star and the combed back hair of a certified douche sidles up to the girl and with a smile says:
“Hi, I’m going to pretend we already know each other so it makes it less awkward that I just approached you on the street. So how are you? Oh, I forgot. I’ve got a new phone and lost all my contacts, what was your number again?”
I had a chocolate fondue on the weekend, it was absolutely delicious. However, the melted chocolate, though sublime, was nowhere near as smooth as this guys pick up line. Who in the world is that fucking confident. Who wakes up combs their hair in the style of a surfer’s birthday cake then leaves the house thinking “what woman will I bless with my attention this morning”. I wake up every morning and thank my lucky stars that I’m married to a beautiful woman and no longer have to attempt to talk to people I barely know (or in this case don’t know at all).
I just don’t understand how someone with that level of confidence manages to leave the house. I would have thought that after he wakes up, ‘poofs’ his hair, orange’s his face and chooses just the right freshly ironed and then professionally crumpled shirt that he’d just spend the rest of the morning masterbating onto a full length dress mirror.
Either way this brings me nicely back onto something we started yesterday:
Things Farrell Hates Part 2
- Confident People – This is going to come across as jealousy and that’s primarily because it is. I have never been able to make small talk or hold any kind of conversation with members of the opposite sex face to face. I’m not massively autistic or particularly shy, I’m just fully aware that 90% of the people I’m talking too I share nothing in common with and I’ve never understood how some people can walk into a room and own it so confidently. I hope they all die.
- Listicles – First off, fuck you it’s not ironic. My particular gripe with listicles isn’t so much the content, but the way the content is presented in the social media bite sized information world. I actually love a good list, UK’s top 100 comedians, top 10 reasons why Prince Harry is actually a lizard.. It’s great, you get the simple data without all the fluff, or at least with less fluff, diet fluff. My problem comes with clickbait titles promising more than they can deliver and advert filled websites so stacked with computer aids you have to put a condom on your mouse before you dare find out the top 10 olympians to have pooped in public. But the crowning jewel in this turd mountain has to be when a top 10 list is spread over 20+ pages to facilitate additional ads. Fuck that, fuck anyone involved with that and fuck their pets for good measure. If I could cause you to prolapse by sheer power of will then I wouldn’t hesitate to make your arse would look like a greasy bean bag chair.
- Protesters – I know I was attempting to sidestep away from the issue of politics with this article but what can I say, protesters are inherently annoying. In the current political climate it’s hard to insult a protester without coming across as a Republican / Ukiper, because lets face it, they’re pretty much the only ones not protesting at the moment.
I think I’ve eluded to my dislike of protesters previously so I won’t go into too much detail here, simply put; anyone under the delusion that they have ‘done their part’ by gathering with a small group of like minded individuals to wave pieces of cardboard around and shout repetitive catchphrases until the system changes needs to have their head checked.
- Middle Class Hippies – To be honest I could have just tied this in with the above. When I was at university my friend was house sharing with a couple of upper class hippies. Their parents had purchased a house for them for university and they grew vegetables in the garden… These people were early 20’s undergraduates. I’m not saying you should be out drinking until you black out or strive to not to be the last one of your friend group to contract chlamydia… but spending Saturday’s down at the allotment and offering your guests a cheese board when you’re under 40 should put you on some form of register. My issue with these hippies is they all end up supporting the liberal democrats or the green party and going on marches, campaigning for the homeless or badgers or some other lost cause… I always found these privileged social warriors annoying, but I think it transferred into the hate column about halfway through my first year of university when I was living off £20 a week being lectured on how we all need to do more to help the poor from people who owned a house at 21.
- Anti Vaccers – Again, this is pretty much the same as the above. This has unintentionally become the upper middle class hate segment of the list. I had my first run in with a new age, upper middle class anti-vaccer hippy in my last employment. She was hired as a digital marketing brand strategist, which should already be ringing more alarm bells than a Muslim tourist at the Whitehouse. I’ve never in my life had to put up with someone I found as deeply infuriating as this woman. Not vaccinating was just the icing on the cake. She lectured a colleague once for using the microwave because ‘he was a parent and should know better’. She was almost too surreal to take seriously, like a sitcom character or an American politician.
Well 10 seems like a good place to stop. Maybe I’ll do more tomorrow, or maybe I’ll give it a break and come back to it at another time, either way there will definitely be more, my hate is just begging to be categorised!