Yesterday I read a news article (from the internet, so entire bottle of salt needed) that claimed after interviewing a large number of 18-21 year olds. The greatest fear of the next generation was ‘never finding love’

Now i’m not saying it’s not a valid concern, everyone wants to fall in love, but fuck me; be less self involved. How can you look at the current state of the planet and think ‘gee whiz, I hope there’s a woman out there who will suck me off before we all die horribly’. As someone who is scared of everything. I thought i’d use my superhuman cynicism to help these youngsters understand things they really need to fear, like porcelain dolls or Carrot Top.

Things to fear more than not finding love the movie list

Number 1 – Global Warming

Now love is great, I love my wife, Rene and I am certain I’ll love the imminent new arrival to our family, my first daughter (due in 2 weeks!) But have you ever shared a bed with someone when it’s 30c outside? It’s fucking horrible. Love is no match for a 2c rise in global temperatures forecast to potentially occur in our lifetimes. Maybe you’re one of these utter plebs who respond by saying ‘well we could use some warm weather here in Britain’ you can fuck right off… I’m sure you’ll save a lot of money on trips to Magaluf when you can walk around Luton with your shirt off drunk and still achieve a tan. But if you can envision a wider world beyond Weatherspoons for just a moment maybe you’ll start to see some of the actual issues.

Is it even a post about global warming without a polar bear on shrinking ice?

An increase in sticky clothing is the least of your worries. How about an increased requirement for water paired with a rise in frequent droughts. The destruction of almost all coral reefs across the planet and the knock on environmental effect that would have on marine life. There’s also the decrease in crop yields making it harder to produce food and an increase in natural disasters that will in turn exponentially raise the odds of another Sharknado sequel. Can you not see how devastating this could be!

I shouldn’t have to lecture anyone on global warming, mainly because I get most of my facts from the internet, but also because everyone should be well aware of the issues. I am convinced all these little bald men in Washington claiming it’s a hoax are fully aware of how harmful their words are. This is just their revenge for being picked last at football, besides they’ll have been found asphyxiated to death with a plastic bag by a young asian rent-boy long before we feel the really severe effects.

 

Number 2 – The Fall of Antibiotics

This one scares the shit out of me. Mainly due to articles like this. We already have cases right now of all known antibiotics failing. If you don’t know a lot about medicine (like me) then at first it doesn’t sound like such a big deal. I think most people are under the impression they’ll just kind of get better on their own in most cases, and although that’s true for a lot of problems, those aren’t usually the problems one would require antibiotics for.

Not an appropriate dosage!

The ramifications of superbugs immune to all of our antibiotics are pretty scary. For a start all non essential surgeries would be completely scrapped. No boob-jobs, no face lifts, no second heart to fool your enemies into thinking you have been defeated when really you’re laying prone preparing to strike. Any surgeries deemed worthwhile enough to attempt would have a much higher risk of death via infection afterwards. We’d be cast back into the medical dark ages… I think, I don’t really know much about medicine, but the people that do are scared and that should be enough (unless you’re post-expert).

 

Number 3 – The rising tide of Islam

I joke, I wonder how many eyes went wide reading that; ‘oh he’s a massive racist, well there you go, you were right Gerald.’ The answer is none, because nobody is reading this shit.

Little known fact. All terrorists have the ability to become silhouettes when threatened.

Number 3 is actually, terrorism, and if you think the two are the same then maybe this is the wrong blog for you. I recommend the Fox News network or maybe you could just take a massive shit into an echo chamber and be done with it. Terrorism is one of those rather irrational fears like sharks. Unlike global warming or antibiotic resistance. It will not affect all of us directly. In fact it will affect less than 1% of us… But still, every time some nutjob shoots up a cinema dressed as the joker or some bellends try to resolve repressed daddy issues by blowing themselves up for God’s attention at a music festival, LOOK AT ME NOW ALLAH!

Every time these atrocities take place all that happens is we all become a little bit more afraid. I know I do at least. I am a paranoid person by nature… The last thing I need is more reason to hate crowded places.

 

Number 4 – The big C

No, Not Jeremy Corbyn, cancer! I remember when I was a kid, hearing about how cancer will affect 1 in 4 people. Today that statistic sits at 1 in 2. Given this trajectory by the time I turn 40 everyone will have it!

The fist pump of a man whose sack contains the correct number of lumps

Cancer is terrifying because there’s just so many different forms. Again as a kid I just thought, I won’t smoke and I don’t have breasts. That’s 2 out of 3 down, now I just need to check my balls regularly and I’ll be fine… Side note, how exactly does one check their balls for cancer and how does this differentiate from just fondling yourself? I mean, my ball sack has two balls and some tubes like everyone else’s. Nobody has ever really clarified what sort of a lump I should be searching for. Is it ball sized? I would assume it’s already too late if I suddenly notice a third testicle… Anyways I’m getting off track.

My point is that cancer used to seem like something that was majorly lifestyle related. If you were unlucky enough to get one of those rare kinds of spine cancer or something like that you’d be seen as just drawing a rough hand in life, like quadriplegics or women, but the majority of people you knew with cancer tended to be heavy drinkers or smokers (at least in my personal experience)… Then it suddenly seemed to just change, rebranded for a new generation. Now everything fucking gives you cancer! It’s ending more celebrity careers than Big Brother and it feels like it’s only getting worse. I’d wrap myself in a plastic bubble, but knowing my luck it would be fucking carcinogenic.

 

Number 5 – The Donald and Putin Show

If you’re not scared of what might come from this US presidency then you’re insane. In what world is not finding love more frightening than a man whose only deterrent from pushing the big red nuclear button are his stubby fingers.

Don’t believe those media lies, only I can protect you from Swedish terrorists!

I cannot conceive of a worse commander and chief. I would have preferred Honey Boo Boo. In all seriousness, what is scarier than misinformation on a global scale. Look at the first two issues, antibiotics and global warming. We know about these things because of largely government funded researchers dedicating their lives to finding answers. When the world’s most recognisable politician is allowed to turn around and dismiss the work of experts as ‘fake news’ then how can we possibly progress as a species. ‘After much research, the lack of food and fresh water this year has no correlation to the increase in average temperatures. It must have been those damn Jews!’

If we’re lucky the big C will get him before his 4 years are up… No not cancer, Corbyn. The first suicide bombing dedicated to renationalising the railways.