I currently have a list of TV shows to watch that is spiralling out of control. I am sure this is the same with most people, there is just too much crap to watch in the amount of time I have available to watch it.

The situation is worsened by my rekindled love affair with American sports entertainment in the form of the WWE. Everyone is allowed a guilty pleasure or two. Mine are Vince McMahon’s professional wrestling soap opera and licking homeless people in exchange for small handfuls of loose change. The problem with trying to keep up with the wrestling is that the world’s longest running weekly episodic show ‘Monday Night Raw’ and their secondary show ‘Smackdown’ total 5 hours of television every single week. That is an awful lot of time to dedicate to men in their underwear and still maintain my straight, intellectual persona. That isn’t even all of it, with a pay per view or two every month usually lasting 3 to 4 hours each I genuinely spend more time watching wrestling than I do doing just about anything else outside of working and sleeping. It’s actually really tragic when I put it on paper.

Anyways my point is I struggle to keep up with the abundance of semi interesting television floating around the murky depths of the internet. I just wanted to include that as a precursor to explain why I was watching the second season of Karl Pilkington’s ‘An Idiot Abroad’ last night despite it airing over 6 years ago. Now my blogging today isn’t specifically about the Sky One show, which whilst admirably amusing was somewhat over-hyped; It is more the inspiration for today’s blog than the direct target.

The premise of season 2 of ‘An Idiot Abroad’ is for Karl Pilkington to pick activities from a bucket list containing the most common ambitions that humans want to achieve before they die and undertake them. As you’d imagine if you have any context of the show, he spends 95% of the season miserable and is consistently sideswiped by Ricky Gervais who seems to spend most of his onscreen time perfecting the guise of a man pretending to be a complete prick in the hopes that the audience will assume he is a character actor and not just a complete prick.

What struck me when watching the season was the overall mundanity of the options presented as the top 100 things a human being can do before dying. It was all so obvious and boring; climb Everest, swim with dolphins, see the Grand Canyon…

A good 10 to 20 of the items on the list seem to be viewing natural landmarks. Now maybe I’m just a product of the digital generation, but I couldn’t give a fuck about the Grand Canyon. If I was travelling around America and happened to be passing it, sure I’d take a gander, but if it was more than an hour off of my path I’d probably give it a miss. I mean it’s just a canyon, if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. I’m not interested in seeing the world’s biggest canyon for the same reason I’m not interested in seeing the world’s biggest Top Hat. I can imagine what it looks like to a reliable degree of accuracy without needing to go out of my way to gawk at it… Scratch that, I’m adding ‘Find the world’s largest top hat’ to my personal bucket list.

It’s not that everything on the list is bad, there’s a whole bunch of stuff I’d like to do such as: go bungee jumping, fly first class or become a millionaire all seem rather enjoyable; but overall the list could use a few tweaks. If you haven’t guessed where I’m going with this yet then you deserve this abrupt neck breaking segway.

Numero 1 – Write and sell a book (with no skill, unique story or basic understanding of grammar ideally).

I think this one is quite self explanatory, surely everyone likes to think that what they have to say is interesting and relevant to the world as a whole. You just have to go on YouTube or Twitch or Instagram or Livejournal or … well here to see just how badly we all want to be noticed. Unfortunately, if you don’t have a nice accent or big breasts getting attention on the video side of things can be particularly troubling. Therefore a book is the perfect solution! You don’t even need to be able to spell, spell check tools are grate these daze.

Numero 2 – Take a human life.

More out of morbid curiosity than anything else, I’d like to win a fight to the death, preferably with a stereotypical ISIS terrorist and preferably live on a helicopter news camera moments after the terrorist blew up an all white orphanage for western children. This would help me achieve my next goal…

Numero 3 – Become absurdly famous.

There are some caveats to this one, it’s not enough to just be a genuine ‘A lister’ and mega star like a Justin Bieber or a Kanye West. I need to be both absurdly famous and universally liked. Sure Bieber is famous, but he still gets punched by Orlando Bloom. I need to be so loved that when I charitably donate my spittle to a fan from my hotel window she is beaten to death mercilessly by jealous onlookers. I want my wife to fear appearing in public without me and my family to have to live on a secure remote island. I just want your attention dammit!

On a more serious note, it might be interesting to catalogue 100 things I personally would like to do before I die, it won’t be glamorous or hilarious but it should be reasonably unique. I’ll do that at some point and add it as a blog post!