Here’s a depressing fact, despite it only being the 4th February I can quite confidently post about my valentine’s day plans without worrying about ruining the surprise for Rene. Even my wife doesn’t read my blog.

I have elected this year to forego the safe route of a 3 course meal in a random chain restaurant and instead will attempt to cook a romantic meal for a heavily pregnant lady who can eat multiple chinese takeaways in one sitting. The main course of the meal in question will be a broccoli / pea and chicken risotto. Despite being 29 years old Rene had her first ever risotto last year and has fallen in love with it (watching her eat one is essentially cuckolding). I have not got a fucking clue how to make a risotto and have yet to find a recipe that didn’t start off with phrases like ‘sweat the onions in a pan and drizzle with…’

I wish people who wrote recipes weren’t so fucking pretentious. How exactly does one make an onion sweat? It sounds like the start of a bad children’s joke. I mean seriously, if you want me to fry the onions just tell me to fry the fucking onions, don’t confuse me with your mumbo jumbo food porn talk. I have compiled a definitive list of verbs that can be used to describe the process of making a meal:

• Fry
• Bake
• Cook
• Grill
• Chop
• Add
• Rest

And that last one is pushing it! Notice nowhere on this list did you see the words ‘splash’, ‘brush’, ‘transfer’, ‘thicken’, ‘deglaze’ or fucking ‘sweat’. I have no idea what I’m going to do for a starter or dessert, to be honest I haven’t really thought this through very well. Are Asda price garlic baguettes romantic?

There is one meal I know how to cook, a simple curry using pre-purchased jars of spice. Here is a Farrell’s own recipe for a chicken and bacon bhuna. Feel free to try it at home, I can’t guarantee you’ll like it, but I can guarantee you won’t complain about portion sizes.

Ingredients

2 x jar of Bhuna sauce (whatever brand is selling for a quid).

1 x pack of 8 unsmoked bacon slices.

1 x 4 pack of chicken breasts (cheapest at Asda, you can go to Aldi but make sure you’ve had your shots first).

Copious amounts of Butter.

Couple Cups of Rice.

Fuck load of Potatoes.

Some Mushrooms (if you’re into that kind of thing)

Sprig of Thyme

Cooking Process

1. Cut that chicken up.
2. Cut that bacon up.
3. Put rice in a pot.
4. Add water to rice (I dunno how much, how big is your pot?)
5. Throw sprig of Thyme in the bin.
6. Peel and cut up potatoes.
7. Cook potatoes in a pot.
8. Cut up an onion (shit I forgot you need an onion).
9. Add onion to a pot / pan thing (yep, 3 fucking pots!)
10. When onion is ready (not white and not black) add bacon.
11. After bacon gets delicious looking add chicken.
12. Throw the damn taters in (maybe pour away the water first).
13. Add both bottles of Bhuna.
14. Count to 300 out loud whilst doing star jumps.
15. Serve that badboy! Hope you got some big ass plates! (Serves 2)

For a vegetarian alternative remove the sprig of thyme from the bin, garnish with disdain and serve cold.

There you have it, the Farrell special. The only meal I am able to cook with even a modicum of competence. I wonder if it’s too late to book a table at Prezzo’s.