A bit of a long title and one that should clue you in quite well to topics to be addressed in this blog post. We’ll start like every good sacrifice does, with Virgin. This week saw me finally break the shackles that were BT Infinity internet and spread my wings like a butterfly emerging from his low speed internet cocoon. Now brace yourselves because a compliment is coming and its actually meant with sincerity and not ladles of salty sarcasm.

My Virgin internet speed is absurdly fantastic. Speed tests are scoring me between 220 and 230mb/s. More than five times what we were getting with BT and far more than anyone actually needs. To give you an idea of what 220mb/s feels like if you’re still a primitive dial up granddad living in the past with you 20mb/s line. I decided I wanted to play a little bit of Resident Evil 4, just to get myself in the mood for the new RE7 (despite the two having seemingly no similarities, apart from being the only half decent products Capcom has been able to shit out in recent years). I started the download on steam, went downstairs and made a lovely cup of earl grey tea. Came back upstairs and BOOM! The download was completed. 10gb in the time it took me to make a single cup of tea! Nipple twistingly exciting stuff.

But enough good stuff, nobody wants to hear me talk about things that are going well, you want to know about all the shit so you can feel better about your snail internet speeds. Along with my lightning fast connection I decided to go all out and subscribe to the full package of Virgin TV with two TiVo boxes and Sky Cinema. It’s been years since I have even had a TV licence, there was just no need with Netflix / Amazon Prime and the simple fact that there’s no show you can’t find in full HD with a quick ‘watch X online free’ Google search (this blog does not condone piracy of any kind… Unless you wear an eye patch, safety first).

So, 2nd March, the Virgin guy was done destroying my house and displaying his butt crack in a form of on the nose social satire. It was time to indulge in a feast of mind numbing television goodness…

‘Well there’s nothing on Sky at this time, it’s only 4pm. BBC tv has really lost touch with audiences over the last few years so we’ll skip those. I’ve seen all of NCIS so I guess I can eliminate the 30 different channels showing varying episodes… Maybe a movie is in order. Oh look the original Avengers, I haven’t seen this in a while. Oh it’s almost finished, never mind maybe I’ll just watch Bear Grylls drink his own piss out of a snake skin.’

Just in case you were struggling to picture the spectacle.

300+ channels and all I’ve managed to find to watch so far is a man in a desert drinking piss out of a snake. How can that possibly be the best Virgin has to offer. In order to¬†answer that you have to take a look at what 300+ channels are actually available. When I last had Sky there were maybe two or three extremely popular channels that had a ‘+1’ catch up channel. Now they all have them, I’m pretty sure even the shopping channels have +1’s now. so that turns your 300 into 150 channels already. I just don’t understand it, I mean why do you even fucking need a +1 channel when you can record live TV now!

So out of the remaining 150 channels, you can eliminate roughly 50 for the shopping and radio. Another 25 for your music and lifestyle. The cinema package I specifically paid for can be eliminated as everything on there is old enough to be available on VHS from your local Oxfam. That leaves roughly 50 channels, which I would say is still enough to be able to find something good to watch. Obviously you have to eliminate at least 10 at any one time as they will be playing various localisations of Master chef all of which lack one key ingredient, explosions.

Basically I’m paying an extra ¬£20 a month to watch the odd show on the history channel where a cleaned up homeless man explains why Hitler was an alien and the occasional old episode of Top Gear from before Jeremy Clarkson’s face and scrotum were interchangeable. Oh well at least I can download all the actual TV I would want to watch a lot faster now.