You can’t comprehend just how much I hate Vodafone. A fire of rage burns in my being that rivals that of even the most biblical fury when it comes to these utter spunk monkeys. This isn’t a random hate by the way, I didn’t just see their logo one day and think ‘well these guys nonce children’. No this was a slow building resentment caused by a simple cancelled order just over 2 years ago. I was planning on buying Rene a tablet and seen as I already had a contract with Vodafone figured it would be simple to just add a new line for this tablet and get it at a reduced price for my unwavering brand loyalty… Then we saw the same tablet on sale at Argos so bought it there instead.

All was right with the world, I cancelled the first tablet and other than sitting through the standard 10 minutes of sales mumbo jumbo was able to completely cancel the order, no questions asked.

All was good in the contract phone world until exactly one year later when my bill came and it was £33 higher than it was supposed to be… Odd, but nothing to worry about a quick call to customer service and all will be made clear.

3 hours and 11 customer service agent later (I’m not even exaggerating)

A slightly confident South African fella managed to determine the issue was actually the tablet I’d ordered one year previous had somehow magically activated itself on my billing profile and decided it needed to be paid for. Odd, but at least it was an obvious technical mistake. I was reassured that there was nothing to worry about and was told my account would be correctly credited with the refund.

Every month since I have been charged an additional £33 and have had to fight to get my money back. Every single month I’m told it won’t happen again by incompetent staff who fail to update my notes so that next month I have to run through the same shit show again with whatever unlucky minimum wage call centre agent happens to have picked up the wrong damn phone. This went on until two months ago where I eventually managed to get the Ombudsman service involved (who by the way have a separate number you press when you call them if your complaint is with Vodafone…). It took one phone call and about 5 minutes with the complaints team to get my 9 months of overpayment resolved.

If anything this just made me more annoyed. How can it be possible that I go through easily 50+ call centre agents all of whom would struggle to tie their own shoelaces if they weren’t confiscated to stop call centre suicides; and not resolve a single issue, but 5 minutes with the ombudsman team and everything’s hunky dory.

Here’s an idea Vodafone why not seal the doors to your call centres and burn them to the ground, then just give your ombudsman team a raise, or better yet just train people to resolve simple fucking problems.

You’re probably thinking (if you made it this far) sheesh, this certainly hits the criteria for complaining, but it’s not particularly funny or interesting… And you’d be right, did you stop to think maybe I don’t care if it’s funny or interesting, no of course not, because you don’t exist, literally nobody in the world is reading this far into a rant about mobile phone billings. I can literally say anything I like at this point.

I feel pretty when I wear my wife’s dresses, sometimes I dress up as her and make videos where I dance flirtatiously and then floss my ass cheeks with a leather belt.

One time at work I went to fart and shit myself, I went to the bathroom and took off my underpants but in order to dispose of them I had to cross the office so I put my shitty underwear in my pocket. This would have been fine but I got distracted and didn’t remember the poopy pants in my pocket until I got home later that night, no wonder everyone gave me such a wide berth that day.

I also just had to Google wide berth because although I know the meaning of the phrase I don’t have a fucking clue where it comes from or what it signifies, I thought the phrase was a wide birth, which also seemed completely peculiar.