Last week a company similar in size and product to the company I currently work for sold for £250 million to a Swedish mega brand. This elicited a conversation between us lowly employees about the plans for us to receive shares in our company. There’s only about 12 of us across the whole company, including the owners. The end result of the conversation, ‘if we owned 1% of the company each that would be 2.5 million pounds each!

The typical ‘what would you do with that kind of money’ conversation ensued and before I knew what was happening I’d already laid out my budget plan for the next 50 years.

So, it turns out that if I was given 2.5 million pounds I would become the world’s most boring millionaire.

My plan goes as follows:

Step 1 – Purchase a house for £500,000 somewhere in or around Leicester.

Step 2 – Place £200,000 into a retirement fund.

Step 3 – Allow myself £100,000 for additional costs such as stamp duty, moving costs, huge parcels of cocaine and party food.

Step 4 – Place £100,000 in an account for holidays.

Step 5 – Place the remaining £1,700,000 into a savings account with 1% yearly interest.

Step 6 – Withdraw £34,000 a year for 50 years.

Step 7 – Leave £500,000 inheritance to any kids I may have.

Boom that’s it! What a wild life i’d lead. All jokes aside that is my actual calculated spending (based on the spreadsheet image at the bottom of the post). Some of you may be reading this thinking ‘well I earn more than £34,000 a year now, why would I live off that if I had 2.5 million’ well for a start do you earn over £34k after tax? (That would be roughly £45k a year) and if so do you pay any rent or mortgage?

For me that’s the big one, if I wasn’t paying rent or saving for a house deposit I would be significantly better off every month. With £2,800 a month I would be able to do the following:

Grocery Shopping £300.00 Water Bill £25.00
Maid (once a week) £150.00 Restaurant Budget £200.00
Gas & Electric £200.00 Council Tax £200.00
Car Insurance £100.00 Lexi Costs £200.00
Petrol £100.00 Farrell’s Spends £300.00
Phone Bill £50.00 Rene’s Spends £300.00
Internet Bill £50.00 Additional Costs £650.00


I may have taken this a bit too far by working out an actual monthly budget, but fuck it… What else am I supposed to do at 11am on a Friday? Work? Jog on… Now obviously the above are all rough estimate prices. I have no idea how much a 19 year old maid would cost or the additional costs of paying for her silence when she walks in on me and Fernando the Mexican gardener (that’s an M. Night Shyamalan twist right there) but for the most part it is calculated.

The Farrell and Rene spends gives us £300 a month each to spend on whatever shit we see fit and the additional costs £650 is a rollover fund that can keep building until we need it for something, like the Bupa healthcare bill for removing an entire eggplant from Fernando’s rectal cavity.

I mean, I guess I could spend a little bit more… If I’m already giving my kids the £500,000 house when I die do they really need another £500k? I mean if anything the house will probably rise in value substantially, in 30 years time Leicester will probably be considered an outer borough of London and be a new trendy area for city bankers to put down roots. Maybe I could just leave them £250,000 and put the other half of the inheritance into an 84ft rooftop swimming pool…

I’m probably going to have two kids so I might as well take another 50k and spend that on a decent car, that way there’s exactly 100k left to split evenly between them… But then what if my second child happens to be twins, then there’s three of them total, I should maybe just take 50k more, get a small house at the bottom of the garden built for Fernando… I mean I need to keep the garden looking nice, what if there’s a rhododendron emergency and Fernando is laying his seed in another man’s garden? That’s simply unacceptable, plus now there’s an even 50k for each child.

But really I want my kids to work for their money, the last thing I want is a bunch of spoilt ‘my sweet 16’ cunts who think it’s ok to shit in the hands of the homeless and post it on YouTube without even monetizing their accounts first. They can have 25k each, that covers university and a little bit towards their first house. I’ll use the remaining 75k to fly me and Fernando out to the world gardening convention in Las Vegas for a small civil gardening ceremony and maybe a little gambling.

You know what fuck it… Me and Fernando are taking all the money and travelling the world in a private jet full of cocaine. Rene can sell the story to OK magazine and live off of that.